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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24463894">All These Things You Make Me Feel</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/SilverOpals394/pseuds/SilverOpals394'>SilverOpals394</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, First Kiss, M/M</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 01:14:09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,058</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24463894</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/SilverOpals394/pseuds/SilverOpals394</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>It was late. Adam could feel the long day catching up to him as he left Boyd’s, all his energy exhausted. When he started his car, the tape deck whirred to life once more. He sighed and raised his hand to turn it off, but before he did a soft melody began to play. </i>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>AU in which the mixtape Ronan made for Adam only plays the murder squash song until Adam realizes he's in love with Ronan, too.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Ronan Lynch/Adam Parrish</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>264</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>All These Things You Make Me Feel</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Adam climbed into the shitbox, leaving Boyd’s for the Barns. He still couldn’t believe Ronan had used his phone. <em>Come to the Barns. We need to talk. </em>He felt a flutter of something inside of him.</p><p>He started the car and the tape player turned on automatically. It had been doing that lately, like it demanded to be heard. Adam vaguely wondered if Ronan had dreamt the tape so that it would annoy him when Ronan couldn’t be there to do it himself. He heard the beginnings of the murder squash song and rolled his eyes, shutting it off.</p><p>*****</p><p>Ronan Lynch was standing in the doorway. In this light his face looked even more savagely handsome than Adam remembered and something in him hurt. He wasn’t sure what. </p><p>The two boys looked at each other, as they’d been doing for months. Ronan crossed the room and sat down next to him on the bed. He held out his hand and Adam placed the model car into it, their fingers brushing. Adam was reminded of the night Ronan had found him scrying into his headlights, the hint of… of <em> possibility </em>he’d felt as Ronan traced his palm. </p><p>Possibility of what? He still wasn’t sure, but he felt closer to finding the answer. </p><p>“This old thing,” Ronan said as he turned the front tire. It began to play that eerie, lovely music again and Adam turned his attention to Ronan’s face. </p><p>His eyelashes were low, studying the car. He seemed intent upon something, like he’d made a decision. When he looked up at Adam again, Adam felt that tug of possibility once more. </p><p>Ronan let out a breath, and leaned closer. His face was sure, and suddenly Adam was sure. Ronan was going to kiss him. He thought he might want that. </p><p>He felt himself leaning towards Ronan, his mind warring with want and expectation and nerves. This was it, everything had been leading to this moment. He wasn’t sure he—</p><p>“There you are,” Matthew’s voice said brightly and they jumped apart like they’d been caught plotting murder. Matthew didn’t seem to notice. </p><p>“We found the foil,” he said, pulling at Ronan’s arm. “Come on, Declan’s looking for you.” Ronan followed his brother out of the room, but not before sending Adam one last lingering look. Adam fell back on the bed and tried to calm his racing heart.</p><p>*****</p><p>“You know about Blue’s curse, right?” Adam asked Gansey, voice low. All night he had felt Ronan’s eyes on him, more pronounced than ever before. He just didn’t know what to do about it. It was one thing when Ronan was the one who was initiating a kiss, but it would mean something else if Adam did it. He couldn’t do it. Not until he was sure. Was he sure?</p><p>“I do,” Gansey answered.</p><p>“Do you think it applies to you?” <em> Does she love you?  </em></p><p>“I think so.” <em> How do you know? </em></p><p>Adam glanced around, making sure they were still alone. He caught sight of Ronan in the kitchen and his breath hitched. What was he doing? He felt cheated. He wanted to know what it felt like to kiss Ronan Lynch but he couldn’t do it himself. He couldn’t do that to Ronan, because what if he kissed him and he didn’t feel anything? No, he knew he’d feel <em> something. </em> It was Ronan. Of course he would. But what would he feel? Would it be enough? Could <em> he </em> be enough?</p><p>“Adam?” Gansey’s voice was soft, pulling him from his thoughts. “I’m sorry we didn’t tell you before—”</p><p>“No,” Adam said, and he realized how it must look. Gansey thought his wistful staring was directed in the kitchen towards Blue. “It’s okay, Gansey. I don’t… I don’t feel that way for her anymore.”</p><p>As he said it, he knew it was true. He’d felt romantic feelings for Blue, once upon a time. Although in the grand scheme of things it really wasn’t that long ago, it felt like lifetimes had passed since then. He tried to compare how he’d felt for Blue to how he was now feeling about Ronan, but it was useless. On a basic level, he could see that there were similarities, but with Ronan there was no room for exploring. He and Blue hadn’t worked out, and that was okay, even if it had hurt at the time. But just the thought of things not working out with Ronan made him ache. </p><p>As he watched, Blue said something that made Ronan grin. It wasn’t his true smile, not like that day in Cabeswater, but it looked good on him. Something inside Adam shifted then, and the ache turned to wanting. It didn’t feel like much of a difference. </p><p>When he turned back, Gansey was giving him a curious look. He realized that even though he’d spoken to Gansey, his eyes hadn’t left Ronan the entire time. He felt his face warm.</p><p>“Are you all right, Adam?” Gansey asked. His tone suggested he didn’t believe the answer was yes.</p><p>“I don’t know,” Adam admitted.</p><p>*****</p><p>The demon was gone, but Adam’s hands remembered. His eyes found Ronan’s neck again, and his gut twisted. How could he ever begin to apologize?</p><p>“Stop,” Ronan said, catching his gaze.</p><p>“But I—”</p><p>“<em>No, </em>Adam. It wasn’t you.” Ronan’s eyes wandered to Adam’s hands but he wasn’t looking at them with any kind of fear or disgust or anything that they deserved for what they’d done. He was just looking. </p><p>Everything had gone to hell the day after they’d almost kissed and now Adam was almost glad they hadn’t. Because maybe now Ronan would realize he didn’t want Adam after all, and wouldn’t it be better to be denied something he never had than to have had a taste of it before it was taken away?</p><p>*****</p><p>Time marched on and life continued and they didn’t talk about it, though Adam still caught Ronan looking at him. But it was a different look now, like he was trying to figure Adam out. Adam didn’t blame him. He needed to figure himself out, too. </p><p>It was late. Adam could feel the long day catching up to him as he left Boyd’s, all his energy exhausted. When he started his car, the tape deck whirred to life once more. It hadn’t done that in awhile, and he’d almost forgotten about it. Honestly, he wasn’t sure why he hadn’t just gotten rid of the tape altogether. It was just… <em> Ronan </em> had made it for him, even if it was awful. And he hadn’t wanted to admit how that made him feel, because he didn’t really understand it, but now he thought maybe he did. He sighed and raised his hand to turn it off, waiting for his good ear to be inevitably assaulted, but before he did a soft melody began to play. Adam sat transfixed as the beautiful music continued. Though he couldn’t understand the words—they were clearly Irish—their meaning was clear. It was a ballad. A love song. </p><p>When the music ended, he pulled the tape out to inspect it and found nothing changed. It was the same tape that had been torturing him for weeks, and suddenly he understood. Ronan would never have given Adam a tape with a love song on it unless he could be sure his feelings were returned. The murder squash song had simply been a dreamt up defense mechanism. How like Ronan to hide the softer side of himself behind a harsher front.</p><p>The want he’d been feeling since that night at the Barns turned into need. He pointed his car toward Singer’s Falls, never feeling more awake.</p><p>*****</p><p>Ronan stared at the ceiling in the dark, not trying to sleep. He was thinking about Adam, about how here in this very spot, he’d almost kissed him. Almost. </p><p>Everything had gone to shit after that and he hadn’t really had the opportunity to try again. Adam had held him close that first night, though that may have just been an attempt at an apology that Ronan had insisted wasn’t needed. Adam would never hurt him, and he would never hurt Adam. End of story. </p><p>Even so, it felt like things had changed between them. He frequently found himself looking at Adam—more than he had before, which was saying something—trying to gauge how he felt. Did he know how loved he was? Did he know how Ronan ached? He thought he could glimpse something in him that spoke of the same want Ronan had been feeling for as long as he could remember. Maybe it was time to try again. </p><p>*****</p><p>When Adam pulled into the drive, Ronan was climbing into the BMW, but at Adam’s approach he got back out and walked towards the shitbox.</p><p>Adam stepped out of his car, not bothering to close the door, and the two boys stood facing each other, slowly inching closer like they couldn’t help it. Maybe they couldn’t. Neither spoke, but they didn’t feel the need to. </p><p>“Thanks for the mixtape,” Adam finally said, stuffing his hands into his jacket pockets. This was more awkward than he would have liked, but it wasn’t like he had a lot of experience with confessing his love for someone. </p><p>Ronan’s eyes narrowed like he wasn’t ready to let himself believe what he was hearing. </p><p>“I knew you’d come around to that song eventually,” he said, hesitant. </p><p>“No,” Adam said, shaking his head, “I still hate that one.” He smiled at Ronan, trying to convey his feelings with a look. It felt inadequate.</p><p>He stepped closer, and reached up to place his hand on Ronan’s cheek. Ronan leaned into his touch, eyes closing.</p><p>“The other song was beautiful, though,” Adam said quietly. </p><p>Ronan’s eyes opened and stared into Adam’s. “You heard it?” </p><p>Something—was it hope?—flickered in his gaze.</p><p>Adam nodded. “I heard it,” he confirmed, dropping his hand, “And I know why.”</p><p>“And why’s that, Parrish?” Ronan said with a smirk. God, even in moments like these he couldn’t help but be a little shit, could he?</p><p>“You gonna make me spell it out? We both know why,” Adam countered.</p><p>Ronan’s face got softer then. “I want,” he started, looking away from Adam’s face, “I need—”</p><p>Adam understood. Ronan had a rough exterior but that was just his way of protecting himself. Adam wanted to make sure he knew he didn’t have to worry about that with him. He lifted both his hands to Ronan’s face and looked into his eyes as he said, “I think I’m in love with you, Ronan Lynch. I’m sorry it took so long for me to notice.”</p><p>Ronan let out a breath, tension leaving his shoulders. Before he could say anything, though, Adam brought their lips together. It was everything he’d hoped for and more, like he could finally breathe, like some part of him had been missing his whole life and he’d found it in Ronan’s mouth.</p><p>Ronan wrapped his arms around Adam, pulling him impossibly closer. Adam’s hands slid from Ronan’s face to wrap around his neck. Behind them, the tape deck came to life once more and together they swayed to the soft music that spilled from the car. </p><p>They broke the kiss when the music ended, and for a moment they just looked at each other, reveling in the knowledge that they could.</p><p>“Took you long enough, Parrish,” Ronan said, a glint in his bright eyes. Adam wanted to kiss him again. </p><p>“Asshole,” he said instead. </p><p>“Yeah, but you love me,” Ronan shot back arrogantly, his tone another line of defense.</p><p>Adam brought their lips together once more and mused that he could get used to this. He could get really used to this. “I do,” he agreed.</p><p>“Adam,” Ronan began, brow furrowing as he tried to put his thoughts into words, “You know that I—”</p><p>Adam kissed him again, and light exploded in his chest. Maybe he’d never get used to this after all. “I know, Ronan,” he said, “You’ve been saying it for a long time.”</p><p>Ronan’s answering smile was radiant. Adam had once thought that making Ronan smile like this was dangerous, but now, as they stood wrapped in each other, Ronan’s arms tight around him, Ronan’s mouth finding its way back to his, he’d never felt so safe.</p>
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